The 4th
The 4th of July has never been a great day for me. For one reason or another something ALWAYS happens on this day. Instead of partying, drinking and having a great time with friends and family, it is forever stained with horrible memories of past relationships.
My ex and I would get into a big fight, over something stupid where one of two things would happen, 1. We would go on with our plans, just keep distance from each other or 2. He would go on with the plans for the day, while I stayed behind. Stressing out, pacing the house and counting down till he return, praying he was not overly intoxicated. Hint, he never came home sober.
The newest ex, well the 4th of July weekend was when I found out he was cheating on me with not one of his ex’s but two of them. Imagine my surprise when we returned from a recent road trip, I was unpacking our bags while he was showering. His phone was on the charger but it kept buzzing every few minutes. Finally, thinking it was a family member and something was wrong, I walked over and picked it up. Two names appear on the screen, two names I know are his ex’s names. Suddenly, the room feels like it’s on fire despite the fan twirling overhead, my stomach drops and my hands begin shaking. The shower is still going, I can hear him singing softly to himself. I open the phone and tap the messages icon, and select the first message that appears. My whole body is now shaking, heart racing and I am sweating as if it were over 100 degrees in the room. Before me was months’ worth of text messages, how are you’s, kissing face emoji’s, sexting and more. I tap over to the other message and the same thing, months’ worth of infidelity written there plain as day. The way he talked with them is foreign to me, he never speaks that way to me. Hot big tears are now streaming down my face while the blood is whooshing in my ears.
The shower has stopped and wet foot steps are coming down the hall. He stands in the door way, hair still dripping with a towel slung around his waist. I drop my head, feeling like I am going to pass out any second. He sees me standing there with his phone in my hand, his face immediately falls. “Babe.” He says gently. I look up at him, crest fallen. We stand there in silence each not knowing what to say to the other. My mind is racing, how could you, why did you, the normal responses to finding out the person you thought was the one and you truly believed you were going to marry, crushes you. He walks slowly towards me. I back away, he reaches for me, but I shake my head no. Tears still streaming down my face, I don’t care, he should see the crushing pain he is causing. A few more minutes pass, the only thing making a noise is the swirling of the fan. “How could you?” I manage to finally get out. He stares at me blankly from across the room, he runs his hands through his still wet hair, “I don’t know.” He whispers, finally making eye contact with me. What?! I want to scream at him, the shaking intensifies. No, that’s not an answer, he knew what he was doing, I open the phone again and read a few more lines of text, these were sent while we were on vacation, while I was sitting in the same room with him talking to his parents and sisters. He was cheating right under my nose. I am gasping for air at this point.
I tosh his phone at him and walk out of the room on shaky legs. “Babe, please let me explain.’ He calls after me. I keep walking, holding on to the wall for balance, I make it to the spare room and collapse on to the bed and just sob. With each breathe, I shrink into a smaller ball. My whole world feels like it has just ended, I know that’s not the truth but when it feels like you have just been stabbed a million times, its hard to fight the feeling. I hear him walking towards the room, come into the room and gently sit next me, he places a hand on my back. My whole-body freezes, his touch is like ice compared to my hot flesh, the longer it is there it spreads across my whole body. As it spreads, it freezes my feelings towards him when it reaches my heart, I know it and I will never be the same. This is how I will remember the relationship and the moment my heart froze forever. The 4th gains yet another new scar.